it’s dark and I long to be into it on my own，exclusively
So they say…
Brevity is the soul of wit, therefore I shall (try to) be brief…. I’m paraphrasing, its been a long time since highschool…anyways.
I’ve been having quite the month, let me tell you. Finally done doing lots of shows and settling down to start recording my songs. I’ve been torn about where to move, since I’ve had oportunities in a few places.
any semblance of my old life is gone…kinda weird…
Ive been absorbing that recently. kinda, delayed culture shock still.
to be frank, I’ve been dealing with some blue-ness. I don’t want to use the word depression because everyone throws around that term. I have not changed, I’ve always been a blue person (if you can’t tell by my general sense of humor), is just been getting to me. Its a cloud that rolls into town when I start to try to become….something. It pushes down on my chest and keeps my thoughts fogged up, you know?
I need some roots, I need to stay in one place for a minute to get my head on straight.
ever since the show ended I’ve been running. from silence, from myself, from who I’ve become. from what is beyond MYSELF. because when its quiet, I have to fight against my own dark, silent self-defeating side.
I think I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself since this all happened. Its hard not to…Ever since I was a kid I’ve been kindof, harsh on myself. Its a tid bit magnified. to the point where I can hardly talk or write without mentally tearing myself down before I get to my own thoughts… It can get pretty unbearable.
I’m not saying any of this for attention, I’m saying it because it is who I am.
Sadness is a part of my everyday life. Has been for as long as I remember. I’m what my friend calls ” a sadly happy person”….hah
I guess I say it for the simple reason that, I think that others feel this way too. And I just wanted to share where I’m at in that journey…or something. We shouldn’t be ashamed of the battles we wage inside. Can you tell I don’t have management telling me how to do a proper update?
I’m doing a bad job at describing all this…I guess I should keep it in my songs, no?
In summary, hey, I’m writing an album and going through some bizzarre existential changes, and whatever you guys are going through out there, just know that….Life is absurd and I hope this resonates in some way, that its ok I suppose to admit that life is a strugle and feels fucked up sometimes. or not. or whatever. I’m workin through it, slowly. Ultimately I’m excited to share music, it is my dream. Just cant let me get in the way of me, no?
NOW FOR REAL NEWS:San Francisco show!Monday, October 22Where: Brick and Mortar Music Hall, 1710 Mission Street, San Francisco CA 94103
Details: FREE, Ages 18+, Wheelchair accessibleModesto Show!!!Saturday, october 20
where:3440 Wycliffe Drive, Modesto, CA
I hope you all have a lovely night and let me know if this makes sense or not…just trying to express stuff or something.ALSO! will have a new youtube cover up soon <3